An eternal series; enjoying my journey.

The Dive

Jumping from a non-traditional non-denominational church to the most ancient, protected form of Christianity that dates back to 34 A.D. was anything except easy. What keeps me going is the acceptance, love, and freedom that I have experienced within this sacred parish. I went from a very aggressive, demanding, and controlling environment and completely dove into the exact same freedom that God elicited when he created the Earth in seven days. Not to bash anyone from my previous church, but I also want to call out the treatment and behavior of the souls who only strive to love God; it’s unfair, hurtful, and frankly uninspiring. For several years, when I was a part of this organization, I could feel a black veil separating me from God. I couldn’t pray from my heart, so I stumbled from week to week trying to come up with the most logical prayer that He would enjoy. The moment I stepped onto the ground of our blessed parish, that veil was lifted and I felt comfort I had never experienced. That same day I decided I was going to drop everything and cut off all relations with my previous church, because for once in my life I felt peace, and that is all that mattered to me.

Withdrawal

Transitioning from an environment where I was being lifted up for what I could offer and condemned for any inconsistencies in my church attendance was easy to let go of. What wasn’t easy to let go of was the constant instant gratification, that was and still is unnecessary and damning to one’s spiritual soul. Being surrounded by others who reinforce that what we are doing is right, makes oneself start to believe that no other way is needed or necessary; similar to groupthink. Allowing those chains to disintegrate and fall back down into the earth was hard to watch; it was hard to end things so abruptly, but it was more than essential.

As leaves slowly fall away from a tree one by one, people I thought I recognized as friends slowly turned their backs. It wasn’t unforeseen or unexpected, it just didn’t feel right to me. To be condemned for being curious about something greater than Christianity itself did not settle with me. I spoke to the Priest for the first time, the most humble vessel of humanity I have been blessed enough to speak to. I explained to him my struggle with this situation; my withdrawal and my abandonment. He explained that no matter where I go, if I plan to continue upwards in my journey, I must replace when I once had with what I will now have. He did not tell me to become a member, he did not tell me to drop everything and follow Jesus, he told me to rest and meditate. Never in all my years fumbling through Christianity have I ever been told that I was allowed to rest, without any sort of hidden expectation waiting to sneak up on me.

For the first time in a long time I felt a presence that I hadn’t felt within any sanctuary ever before; it was God. I became obsessed with Orthodoxy almost instantly, I even shocked the friend that had introduced me to this eternal family. There are four services that are offered to those who can make whichever ones their schedules permit; nothing is mandatory and everything is based strictly on need. I attended three services a week for three months. I absolutely craved everything that I had never experienced from God; I was starving spiritually and still am, I was spiritually ravenous.

[ inside of a majestic Orthodox sanctuary. ]

Inner Peace vs. Inner Turmoil

For years my soul was in what seemed to be with a purgatory-limbo type state. As mentioned earlier, I could not pray to God, which is a major lifeline of communication within having a relationship with Him. My friend that introduced me to Orthodoxy was, has, and still till this day is receiving backlash for his decision to dive into something deeper. They personally chose to respond to this type of backlash, I personally, chose to block and delete those who are unwilling to listen. I chose to have several sit-down conversations with people who claimed to be “concerned” with the status of my relationship with God, as if that alone is anyone’s business. I have been able to have very short and surface-level conversations at times, but there are times where it was nothing more than disrespectful.

There was one dinner in particular where everything seemed to be going in a fair direction, and then all of a sudden I found myself explaining myself; something that is entirely wrong. This woman was trying to make me apologize for actions which she did not agree with, as if she was the ruler of my life. Without going into too much detail, after that conversation I had a decision to make. Did I want to finally and wholeheartedly embrace inner peace? Or did i want to join in the fight and suffer living within inner turmoil? I chose inner peace. This woman had memorized bits and pieces of what I already knew other members of her congregation wanted her to say to me, and she chose to violate the trust that I had built with her by going through and saying them. Nevertheless this woman was three-times my age, so there can be almost not excuse for not understanding her actions. I remember sitting across from my therapist the next week engaged in DBT (dialect behavioral therapy), and coming to a conclusion. Even if I had another sit-down with this woman and discussed everything that she said that made me feel uncomfortable, she willingly violated my trust. I know that if she was willing to say whatever other people had told her that easily, she would not respect the social boundaries that I would have then put into place. In conclusion, I found that it wouldn’t be beneficial to continue the friendship. This is one woman from that entire church that I had trusted, and this was a hard conclusion to come to, but that is what life is all about; decisions. In this decision, I chose to protect my inner peace. I no longer wanted to debate my decision or defend my actions; I wanted to heal and recover from everything toxic I had been exposed to those last three years.

Our Priest took me in at my worst and I had a very refreshing conversation, allowing me to basically vomit up every horrible and awful thing I had experienced within the last three years. He is not one to traditionally give advice but he does make suggestions. He suggested that, if I can, that I mediate within the book is Psalm. The Bible had been used as a weapon of mass destruction on my soul to condemn me, make me hate myself, make me feel unworthy, and to make me feel inferior to the “all-knowing leadership” before me within the church. It took some time, and I am still lenient, but allowing myself to forgive those who harmed me and swayed me from the truth; forgive those who made me feel less-than, so that I could rely on the advice and the knowledge of the leadership and not my own was more than difficult. I am just now starting to see God for who He is. It’s like cleaning off a pair of incredibly smudged glasses; my view is becoming clearer and clearer.

The Saints before Me

Iconography was a foreign concept to me; I didn’t understand why there were paintings of people lining the walls of the sanctuary and now I can’t imagine my life without them. Imagine for a moment, if you will, that you can call on someone for help that has already conquered what you’re suffering. This is the reality of praying to the Saints. Honoring, kissing, praying to the heroes of the Bible who have lived and died for their faith is more essential than words can describe. At first I wasn’t sure how I was going to adjust or even understand talking to the dead, but then I learned that the dead are technically still near and are able to hear our prayers. Still skeptical, I decided to try. I prayed to Saint Nicholas the Wonderworker, who is known for helping those in financial stress, and incidentally within the hour an unscheduled royalty payment was sent straight to my PayPal account. Actually the payment was sent so immediately, that it was not yet converted to USD, and I had to manually convert and accept the amount; something that has never happened to me, because PayPal automatically does this instantly.

No longer skeptical is an understatement; it was the exact amount I needed and requested for. It’s not magic; it’s wholeheartedly asking the Saints to intercede on my behalf to God, the one who has the ultimate say in everything. I know for a fact that a canonized Saint’s prayers in Heaven have more weight than a hot mess like me, so I need all the intercession I can get. It’s similar to a lifeline, but it’s not; it’s assistance and guidance for those who are humble enough to receive it.

Three months ago, this was so weird to me I promise you, but now it’s a part of my spiritual life. Saint Dymphna is a Saint who tends to intercede on the behalf of those who suffer from mental illnesses and disorders; she was the first Saint I prayed to and for the first few minutes it was nothing but tears from me. As soon as I began speaking to her, I felt as though she was standing there with me; crying with me. I remember being told by a friend that Icons are portals, and that was definitely what I had experienced. I could feel her weeping with me and asking God for healing on my behalf; the most innocent form of prayer to exist. She could feel the weight of my spirit and she could tell I had been carrying this illness for a long time and that I was tired. I look forward to forming a lasting relationship with this Saint.

The Journey less Traveled but worth Traveling

As people who I once saw as friends wither away from my presence and into someone who has already replaced me in that congregation, I realized that there are times where I feel lonely in a social aspect. To combat this I remember a saying a wise person told me recently: “As a person becomes older, they are less concerned with their relationships within humanity and more concerned with their relationships with the angels; our protection.” This saying took several days to set in, at first I thought this was crazy, but as I am grateful for the Orthodox family I have been adopted into, I am also thankful for the Saints that I can now pray to. As I become more involved, I slowly go into a constant meditative state of prayer; praying to God, praying to the Saints, my guardian angel, and praying to the dead as well. It’s a complete lifestyle where everyday is a class and I am eternally learning more and more about who God really is.

I’m learning that God isn’t a mean and spiteful being that punishes us, like I was taught before. He isn’t wrathful and aggressive like I was taught previously. He loves me just because. The condemnation I have received for deciding to make this choice is what confirms to me that I have made the right decision. The people who are gossiping about me and making up these long, drawn out reasons for my disconnect is quite pathetic but at the same time an exposé of how miserable they are within their own spiritual life. The Bible says, “everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial.” A major part of life is sorting through this freedom using the Bible and the Holy Spirit as a guide. You should never allow the advice of a human being to come before the power of the Holy Spirit; in this, you are essentially putting man before something that God has ordained and given to you as a gift. Leaning on the knowledge of others instead of being lead by the Holy Spirit is doing the same exact thing; putting man before a part of God.

I have been ecstatic for about three months, since I have entered into the greatness of Orthodoxy. It’s the road less travel, it’s the read looked at sideways, laughed at, and ridiculed for it’s ancient history. It’s the journey that most are afraid to take because they do not realize that this is the journey that Christ has protected since he arose from the dead. It is the great-great-greatgrand daddy of Christianity, only more difficult. It is constantly understanding that your understanding of Christianity itself is a never ending encyclopedia of miracles and history. It is being graced with the same freedom that God granted unto the earth when He created within seven days, you have that same freedom today, you just have to use it.

“Before you go left or go right; go deep.” —Fr. John

My first three months within Antiochian Orthodoxy.